I've watched High Fidelity enough times to realize that I need to start making top 5 lists. So I figured, hey, why not do it on Tuesday? Not only is it wing day, the alliteration is also soothing to my earholes (try top 5 Monday, yuck). So this week, I'm gonna start with my top 5 favorite books. Mind you, this only includes books I've read up to this point (obviously) but the list could easily change in a few weeks. Also, my reading is almost strictly fiction, so the biography fans out there are probably gonna disagree (actually, about anyone would probably disagree but this is my list so suck it).
5. The Book of Three - by Lloyd Alexander
Go ahead, make fun. It's a book we read as a class in sixth grade and it's intended for readers of about that age. Even so, it has to make the list. This book helped make me the cool mofo I am today. It opened my eyes to the world of fantasy fiction. The story of young Taran, a lowly pig-keeper, who is bored with his day to day chores and craves adventure. Needless to say, he finds it in this book (as well as the 4 books that followed it). It's a fun and entertaining story with interesting characters. Also, there were clear influences from Lord of the Rings. The unlikely hero having to save the world from an evil king. Not groundbreaking, but good nonetheless.
4. Without Remorse - by Tom Clancy
You win dad. I had to put it on the list. I think my interest in Tom Clancy began at a young age because my dad has read the majority of his books. While I don't have the interest in military stories the way my father does, I do like a good story about vengeance. This book has that in spades. Drug dealers murder John Kelly's girlfriend and he seeks revenge. The story also involves Kelly undertaking a rescue mission in Vietnam that is very solid. It's a long book for what seems like a simple premise. But, I like the way the book follows not only Kelly but the POW's in Vietnam, the Admirals planning the rescue mission, the drug dealers, and the cops trying to bust the drug and prostitution rings. An awesome story in my opinion.
3. Watchmen - by Alan Moore
Yes this is a graphic novel (or long comic book to the non-nerd), but it is also an unbelievable story. You know it can't be bad if it makes Time magazines top 100 novels since 1923. I can't even begin to really explain the storyline other than a masked crime fighter is murdered and other crime fighters (not superheros, only one has any actual powers) try to unravel the mysteries surrounding his murder. Alan Moore is a master storyteller and Dave Gibbons, while not my favorite comic artists, does an amazing job of illustrating every panel. You can honestly feel the tension building with every passing chapter and you know that something bad is going to happen. The plot twists are incredible. I can honestly say, it's a book that I find myself thinking about for weeks after I've finished it (and I've read it three times).
2. Ender's Game - by Orson Scott Card
It's tough to put this book at number 2 because I absolutely love this book. It follows Ender Wiggin and his family. Ender is taken at age 6 to Battle School in space. Yeah, I just said in space, deal with it. The book is obviously set in the future. Earth narrowly escaped an alien invasion by the formics, a bug like race. The International Fleet decides to start training kids at a very young age to be able to plan and execute battles. After years of searching, they believe they have found their savior in Ender. Ender is taken to his physical and mental limits in this story and you begin to see just how manipulative the adults training him can really be. The story is very engaging and keeps your attention throughout. The ending is really good, although not a terrible shock. I could almost make a list of all of Orson Scott Card's books in the Enderverse (that's what it's called I didn't make it up), but that would involve over 10 books. But for me, it starts with the original, and that's Ender's game.
1. Lord Of The Rings - J.R.R Tolkien
If you know me at all, this is no surprise. It only makes me sad that I had no idea what this story even was until I was in high school. When "Fellowship" was about to be released in theaters, we were flooded with advertisements for the movie. Finally, Narm explained that it was a fantasy story that he had read as a kid. He also explained that it was one of the most popular fantasy stories ever written. No book has entertained my brain more than this one. (I include The Hobbit with the story arc of Lord Of The Rings because it's an integral part.) I'll simply say that it is my favorite story ever told. Tolkien's universe is filled with beauty, fantasy, terror, and emotion. From the comfort and lushness of the Shire to the bleak and evil land of Mordor, this story has it all. I could type for pages about this book but that would be a little nerdy, even for me.
Honorable mention: Dune - by Frank Herbert
Lot's of sci-fi and fantasy for anyone who likes stories cut from that cloth. Enough said.
Well, that's my list. Maybe not the most diverse, considering almost all of it is science fiction and fantasy, but that's my cup of tea. Green tea because I'm healthy like that..............fib.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Real or Fake
I'm from Delphos, Ohio. A town that has more wild and strange people than a town of around 8,000 should have. The following stories may be real or fake. (Don't worry, I'll spoil the fun and tell you.)
1.) I know a guy from Delphos that has national poop your pants month every September, and yes that's exactly what it sounds like. He makes sure to poop his pants at least once every September. Survey says: Real!
2.) I've seen a group of guys play boner ring toss in a hot tub. Once again, that's exactly what it sounds like. Also Real.
3.) Someone I know pooped in a Tiger Woods Xbox case and closed it. The following day, he asked his friends if they wanted to play Tiger Woods only to surprise them with a disc shaped turd. Sadly, also real.
4.) At a party in Findlay, a police officer came to ask a group of my friends if they were throwing squirrels at cars. They all laughed (as did the officer) and said they had no idea what he was talking about. As it turns out, one of our other friends was chucking a dead squirrel at passing traffic, retrieving it and throwing it again. REAL!
5.) A friend of mine got so drunk while partying with us in Toledo that he wandered off into a neighborhood he didn't know and was knocking on random doors asking where another one of our friends were. That doesn't sound that bad, except it was around 3 in the morning and the guy he was asking for lives in Dayton. He was so drunk he thought he was in Dayton! The cops picked him up and put him in the drunk tank for the night. They also called his parents who live in Delphos which is about 90 miles from Toledo. REAL!
Sadly, this could go on for a lot longer but I have stuff to do (not really but you can't prove it). I guess I should have titled this blog Normal People I Know but that would have ruined the suspense.
1.) I know a guy from Delphos that has national poop your pants month every September, and yes that's exactly what it sounds like. He makes sure to poop his pants at least once every September. Survey says: Real!
2.) I've seen a group of guys play boner ring toss in a hot tub. Once again, that's exactly what it sounds like. Also Real.
3.) Someone I know pooped in a Tiger Woods Xbox case and closed it. The following day, he asked his friends if they wanted to play Tiger Woods only to surprise them with a disc shaped turd. Sadly, also real.
4.) At a party in Findlay, a police officer came to ask a group of my friends if they were throwing squirrels at cars. They all laughed (as did the officer) and said they had no idea what he was talking about. As it turns out, one of our other friends was chucking a dead squirrel at passing traffic, retrieving it and throwing it again. REAL!
5.) A friend of mine got so drunk while partying with us in Toledo that he wandered off into a neighborhood he didn't know and was knocking on random doors asking where another one of our friends were. That doesn't sound that bad, except it was around 3 in the morning and the guy he was asking for lives in Dayton. He was so drunk he thought he was in Dayton! The cops picked him up and put him in the drunk tank for the night. They also called his parents who live in Delphos which is about 90 miles from Toledo. REAL!
Sadly, this could go on for a lot longer but I have stuff to do (not really but you can't prove it). I guess I should have titled this blog Normal People I Know but that would have ruined the suspense.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Sweat Pants more like Sweet Pants
Nothing confirms my decision to be lazy for the day more than putting on sweat pants. Seriously, once those things are on, there is a very slim chance that I do little more than watch TV, waste time on the Interweb, and play video games. The hardest decision I'll make today is whether to play Madden or NCAA football on XBOX.
There is a terrible flaw in my sweatpants though......no pockets! WTF Kohl's? I know I'm not gonna get many cell phone calls, but I can at least keep my phone in my pocket to occasionally get it out to look at the time (and also sigh at my unpopularity). Oh well, these babies still feel like I'm wearing next to nothing (calm down ladies).
I guess what I'm driving at is this. Today's gonna kick fuckin' ass! Wait, is it Tuesday? I stand corrected, I may have to leave the house to get chicken wings today. After all, Tuesday is international wing day around the globe according to some research I made up for this blog.
There is a terrible flaw in my sweatpants though......no pockets! WTF Kohl's? I know I'm not gonna get many cell phone calls, but I can at least keep my phone in my pocket to occasionally get it out to look at the time (and also sigh at my unpopularity). Oh well, these babies still feel like I'm wearing next to nothing (calm down ladies).
I guess what I'm driving at is this. Today's gonna kick fuckin' ass! Wait, is it Tuesday? I stand corrected, I may have to leave the house to get chicken wings today. After all, Tuesday is international wing day around the globe according to some research I made up for this blog.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Boners, Beers, and BMWs
I know, after that sweet title I shouldn't even write an entry. At this point it only has a 14.72% chance of being better than the title. But, I'm a gamblin' man (wait....no I'm not) so I'm gonna type some things anyway.
Why boners? Any guy is familiar with the frequency and inconvenience of an ill-timed boner (pronounced bone-yay in French). There is the often talked about church boner. Let's face it, it's hard to pay attention that long, and after your mind starts to wander, it's game over. Then, there's morning wood. Almost every morning, it's Bonerville USA, population Todd. The morning wood is aukward for a couple reasons.
1) If you are going to go back to sleep, you can forget about sleeping on your stomach. Your tallywacker creates a kickstand effect. This keeps you from rolling past your side. It's all kinds of inconvenient.
2) If you have to pee in the morning, and you undoubtedly will, it is a pain in the ass trying to hit the toilet. You have to assume the wide base, ass out stance while holding your member down so you don't piss all over the wall or toilet tank.
Beers is easy enough. What self respecting man doesn't like beer. Beer of any kind is ok in my book. Even if I don't care for the particular brand, I can't knock a man for drinkin' it. But, we all know the feeling when we hear a man order a smirnoff ice in the bar. Sure, you keep your mouth shut, but you're cringing on the inside. I don't like to be stereotypical, but that guy is probably a weight lifter. (Raise your hand if you thought I was gonna go for the gay joke.)
Guys, let's face it. We love cars. Even if a guy doesn't really like cars, he pretends to. Every guy hates to look like a deusch when someone is talking about cars and he's sitting there going "what the fuck". You gotta play coy. Keep it simple, don't get too involved. Stick to grunting and head nodding when appropriate. Hey, it's worked for me. I know about as much about cars as Neil Patrick Harris knows about sex with women. (Raise your hand if you thought I was gonna make a Tim Allen in "Home Improvement" joke.)
Why boners? Any guy is familiar with the frequency and inconvenience of an ill-timed boner (pronounced bone-yay in French). There is the often talked about church boner. Let's face it, it's hard to pay attention that long, and after your mind starts to wander, it's game over. Then, there's morning wood. Almost every morning, it's Bonerville USA, population Todd. The morning wood is aukward for a couple reasons.
1) If you are going to go back to sleep, you can forget about sleeping on your stomach. Your tallywacker creates a kickstand effect. This keeps you from rolling past your side. It's all kinds of inconvenient.
2) If you have to pee in the morning, and you undoubtedly will, it is a pain in the ass trying to hit the toilet. You have to assume the wide base, ass out stance while holding your member down so you don't piss all over the wall or toilet tank.
Beers is easy enough. What self respecting man doesn't like beer. Beer of any kind is ok in my book. Even if I don't care for the particular brand, I can't knock a man for drinkin' it. But, we all know the feeling when we hear a man order a smirnoff ice in the bar. Sure, you keep your mouth shut, but you're cringing on the inside. I don't like to be stereotypical, but that guy is probably a weight lifter. (Raise your hand if you thought I was gonna go for the gay joke.)
Guys, let's face it. We love cars. Even if a guy doesn't really like cars, he pretends to. Every guy hates to look like a deusch when someone is talking about cars and he's sitting there going "what the fuck". You gotta play coy. Keep it simple, don't get too involved. Stick to grunting and head nodding when appropriate. Hey, it's worked for me. I know about as much about cars as Neil Patrick Harris knows about sex with women. (Raise your hand if you thought I was gonna make a Tim Allen in "Home Improvement" joke.)
Monday, December 1, 2008
TP and Beer
Son of a bitch. Why did I have to get a cold this past weekend? I missed out on some good ol' fashioned fun Friday night.
I was back home in Delphos for Thanksgiving weekend. Our high school football team won another state championship on Friday. That means one thing, excessive drinking. It' s the only time you can say, "grab the toilet paper and beer, we're goin' uptown!", and not sound ridiculous.
So while everyone was on main street drinking and throwing toilet paper at everything in sight, I was at home watching '3:10 to Yuma' and coughing. It was a real bummer.
It may sound hillbilly, but I think the toilet papering and drinking make perfect sense. Think about it. When the team bus rolls through town, nothing says "you just won a state championship" like a street lined with drunks and TP. It makes you feel like a true champion.
Go Jays, go booze, go America!
I was back home in Delphos for Thanksgiving weekend. Our high school football team won another state championship on Friday. That means one thing, excessive drinking. It' s the only time you can say, "grab the toilet paper and beer, we're goin' uptown!", and not sound ridiculous.
So while everyone was on main street drinking and throwing toilet paper at everything in sight, I was at home watching '3:10 to Yuma' and coughing. It was a real bummer.
It may sound hillbilly, but I think the toilet papering and drinking make perfect sense. Think about it. When the team bus rolls through town, nothing says "you just won a state championship" like a street lined with drunks and TP. It makes you feel like a true champion.
Go Jays, go booze, go America!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
More Gravy Please
Ahhhhhhhhhh, Thanksgiving I love you. The soul purpose of the holiday is to eat so much you feel horrible, wait a few hours, and do it again. Somewhere in there I sit in a recliner and watch football. By watch football I obviously mean take a nap because who on earth gives a shit about the Detroit Lions?
The gravy is my second favorite thing about Thanksgiving. I put it on virtually everything. Mashed potatoes, check. Noodles, check. Turkey, check. Stuffing, check. I douse everything with gravy, and no one judges me for it. Probably because there doing the same thing.
When your done stuffing the main course in your face, then comes the dessert. I'll have some pumpkin pie thank you very much. Whip cream, of course. I'm clearly not on a diet. Although I think atkin's encourages soaking everything in gravy....
The up and downside to Thanksgiving. The Rustic. The upside, basically all my friends are back in town and we get wasted and reminisce about the glory days. Incidentally, the glory days are a little hazy too because most of the time they also involved us being really smooted up.
The downside. It is butts to nuts in that place. I love seeing all my pals, but I don't want to grind up on them all night long. Unless of course it's my lady friends. Then it sucks for them but I love every minute of it. Yeah, it's a little pervy, but I need this.
So, this Thursday, don't be scared to have an eat-your-face-off-drink-your-face-off-sleep-your-face-off-eat-your-face-off again platter. Trust me, it's good.
The gravy is my second favorite thing about Thanksgiving. I put it on virtually everything. Mashed potatoes, check. Noodles, check. Turkey, check. Stuffing, check. I douse everything with gravy, and no one judges me for it. Probably because there doing the same thing.
When your done stuffing the main course in your face, then comes the dessert. I'll have some pumpkin pie thank you very much. Whip cream, of course. I'm clearly not on a diet. Although I think atkin's encourages soaking everything in gravy....
The up and downside to Thanksgiving. The Rustic. The upside, basically all my friends are back in town and we get wasted and reminisce about the glory days. Incidentally, the glory days are a little hazy too because most of the time they also involved us being really smooted up.
The downside. It is butts to nuts in that place. I love seeing all my pals, but I don't want to grind up on them all night long. Unless of course it's my lady friends. Then it sucks for them but I love every minute of it. Yeah, it's a little pervy, but I need this.
So, this Thursday, don't be scared to have an eat-your-face-off-drink-your-face-off-sleep-your-face-off-eat-your-face-off again platter. Trust me, it's good.
Monday, November 24, 2008
The Friend Finder 5000
Are you tired of not being able to find your friends after a long night of drinking? Lord knows I am. This past weekend was no exception.
We ventured down to Columbus for drinking and merrymaking this past weekend. Everything started off fine and dandy until the Michigan/Ohio State game ended. It was inevitable that we were going to make some bad decisions. Needless to say, I got real drunk and separated myself from one group of friends to party with another group of friends.
Before you get on my case, I should let you know that I was responsible. My phone died (obviously) and I made sure that group A knew my whereabouts with group B so group A would be able to find me. When morning rolled around, however, it made no difference.
While I found my way back easily enough, my ride decided he was going to go all Harrison Ford in the "Fugitive" on us. He was nowhere to be found. Naturally, his phone was dead and no one had seen him since early evening the day before.
I'm all for partying, but we need a way of keeping track of our drunken friends. There should be a friend finding device that works like a GPS. "Where the hell did Dave go last night?" "I don't know, let me check the Friend Finder 5000." (Patent Pending.) Then you can track him to whatever location he happens to be in. The downside is if you are found in an undesirable location, such as the police station, an ex girlfriends house, or in the house of a girl of heftier proportions. Hey, she looked good last night, right?
Let's face it, being responsible isn't fun. If we can invent a friend finding device, we can be irresponsible and still find our way home the next day.
We ventured down to Columbus for drinking and merrymaking this past weekend. Everything started off fine and dandy until the Michigan/Ohio State game ended. It was inevitable that we were going to make some bad decisions. Needless to say, I got real drunk and separated myself from one group of friends to party with another group of friends.
Before you get on my case, I should let you know that I was responsible. My phone died (obviously) and I made sure that group A knew my whereabouts with group B so group A would be able to find me. When morning rolled around, however, it made no difference.
While I found my way back easily enough, my ride decided he was going to go all Harrison Ford in the "Fugitive" on us. He was nowhere to be found. Naturally, his phone was dead and no one had seen him since early evening the day before.
I'm all for partying, but we need a way of keeping track of our drunken friends. There should be a friend finding device that works like a GPS. "Where the hell did Dave go last night?" "I don't know, let me check the Friend Finder 5000." (Patent Pending.) Then you can track him to whatever location he happens to be in. The downside is if you are found in an undesirable location, such as the police station, an ex girlfriends house, or in the house of a girl of heftier proportions. Hey, she looked good last night, right?
Let's face it, being responsible isn't fun. If we can invent a friend finding device, we can be irresponsible and still find our way home the next day.
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